A** T** F******* P****, (Title Reveal!)
When I first learned my debut novel (now ALL THE FIGHTING PARTS, previously CALL HIM BY NAME) needed a new title, I wasn’t too surprised. (André Aciman’s CALL ME BY YOUR NAME exists, hello!) A title change was something I’ve always anticipated. In fact, when we first sold the novel back in the summer of 2021, one of the first questions I asked my agent was: Should I be prepared for a title change? To which she, very nicely, responded that my chances of keeping it were not that hot. But looking back at where I was when I originally wrote the title and where I am now, I am so incredibly happy and thankful for the change.
When we first officially started having the conversation regarding a new title for the novel, it was incredibly important to me to encapsulate the grit that I loved in the previous one. I brainstormed about 30 titles with my agent, most of which were absolutely horrible like MOVING FORWARD and SHARING MY SILENCE. Ironically, ALL THE FIGHTING PARTS was the very last title I brainstormed. I thought of it while typing the email with my title suggestions and almost didn’t include it on the list. We narrowed it down to about 4-5 titles that we thought would be good fit for the story and ultimately, we decided that ALL THE FIGHTING PARTS was a clear winner.
ALL THE FIGHTING PARTS was a title I liked and was happy with, but I really didn’t begin to love it until we began revisions for the novel. If you know me, you know that I joke quite often that my debut was written out of “spite.” But if I’m being real, it’s not entirely a joke. I began drafting the novel back in 2020 while I was awaiting my “real life” trial largely because I wanted to prove something to myself. I felt incredibly exhausted and numb during that year and I wanted to prove that I was capable of speaking (even through a fictional lens) about the experiences of sexual assault survivors. I wanted to write a novel about finding the strength to “call out” an abuser, hence, the title CALL HIM BY NAME.
As I began the revision stages of the novel, my goal for the work shifted. A couple weeks into that process I had a really honest conversation with my father about feeling a lot of pressure for the novel to “perform well” because I wanted to prove something to my abuser and the people from my former church who supported him. My dad said “You know you don’t have anything to prove to anybody, right?” That was the first time I’ve heard anyone say those words to me. And I realized he’s right. I don’t. I never did.
For many survivors, there are moments when we struggle to put language to our experiences. Throughout my journey, there were many days when I couldn’t call my abuser “by name.” But what I wish for my younger self, is for her to know that even during the times when all I knew was silence and all I could do was just survive, that I was still fighting.
One of the beginning poems in the novel reads, “I am a warrior on the days I shout/ and on the days when silence wraps me/ in its arms like my only friend.” While revising ALL THE FIGHTING PARTS (both the title and the novel), I realized the message I want to share is that the uncomfortable parts of survival are difficult, but always, always honest and valid. The truth of the matter is, survival isn’t always loud. Or strong. Or bold. What I want to produce is a story that captures all of Amina’s fight. Including the lonely parts, the triumphant parts, the angry parts, and the joyful ones too.
Moving away from the title CALL HIM BY NAME and moving forward with ALL THE FIGHTING PARTS was the absolute best decision for me and the novel. To me, stepping away from the title CALL HIM BY NAME, makes room for a story that intentionally doesn’t center him but rather the voice of the survivor, and all of the ways in which we fight. In this case, the ways in which Amina fights. It’s messy, awkward, and her healing process isn’t linear. ALL THE FIGHTING PARTS is a story from the lens of a teenage girl who is angry, a bit chaotic, and makes honest mistakes, much like my teenage (and let’s be honest, my adult) self. But above all else, it’s about a character who’s healing journey is often both quiet and loud, fearless and fearful, and her story deserves to be amplified for all that it is. Because even silence carries a story worth telling.